Healing is all around us. It is also inside you. We live healed and healing, the unexpected rising to meet us, the wholeness of life revealed in the midst of what life brings. During this retreat we will study with the great Chan Master Yunmen who long ago gave us this koan: Sickness and Medicine fit together, the whole world is medicine. What am I?
This day long retreat will be held on August 10 from 9:30 am to 4:30 pm. Bring your cushions with you if you would like. A light vegetarian lunch will be served. We will meet at the Allen House at the Unitarian Church in Lexington.
Cost: 50 dollars, no one turned away for lack of funds.
Beginners are welcome and encouraged to come.
Every morning a teacher called out to herself, “Master!”
And she would answer, “Yes!”
Then, “Are you awake?”
“Don’t be fooled by others.”
-The Gateless Barrier, #12
“Now, my dears,” said old Mrs.
Rabbit one morning, “you may go into
the fields or down the lane, but don’t
go into Mr. McGregor’s garden: your
Father had an accident there; he was
put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor.”
“Now run along, and don’t get into
mischief. I am going out.”
But Peter, who was very naughty,
ran straight away to Mr. McGregor’s
garden, and squeezed under the gate!
-From Peter Rabbit,by Beatrix Potter
A Tale of Two Naughty Horses
Among the peas and radishes, beans and basil, some people have rabbits in their garden, early morning thieves, eating freely of the tender leaves and shoots, radishes, beans, herbs and lettuce. For a rabbit, a tasty array. And for a horse…?
I have two horses here on the farm, Flare and Ruby. Flare, an older horse and part pony, is the smarter of the two. Ruby, a thoroughbred, has an attitude, pushing the limitations of field, barn and stable. I think it is Flare who has figured how to escape the barn. It is Ruby who takes full advantage. So, the other day Flare unlatched the door that opens into the barn and before I knew it they had escaped from their stall. I have some sweet feed stored in an aluminum can in the main part of the barn. Ruby knocked it over and when I went back to tend to them for the evening, both horses were frantically scarfing down the feed. As I arrive, Flare rather contritely steps back into the stall. Not Ruby, she makes a run for it exiting from the main door of the barn. It may be her pedigree…,what do they say at the racetrack? “And she’s off…” in a full gallop making for the house and just beyond the house, the garden. I grab a rope and her halter with the hope that I can lasso her, and return her to the barn. In hot pursuit but still a distance away, I see Ruby turn towards the garden, trotting towards the corn patch, her coat bright in the summer sun. Stepping up to the corn she takes a bite and eats an entire plant. Just as she is taking her next mouthful, I get close enough that she stops eating and takes off, galloping over hills and across fields, further and further from the barn. I chase her from field to field until finally she tires and trots back to the barn, waiting for me to open a door and let her into the stall. Some gardens have rabbits, I have horses. They take bigger bites.
So, if Peter is a naughty rabbit. Flare and Ruby are naughty horses. Never too naughty myself, I am attracted to the mischievous, the playful, the naughty. Sometimes I have been known to encourage children to stretch the borders of what is acceptable. Sure, it looks like conditions are perfect for a snowball fight. You want to play hide and seek in the church sanctuary? I don’t see why not. Ok, let’s see how far you can swim outside of the area marked off for swimming. Once when he was a child at summer camp, my Dad was chasing a butterfly with a friend. When they reached the boundary of the camp, they looked at each other and stepped over the fence in pursuit. Bully for him. Good job. I remember my own flirtation with naughty. It was a midnight in my youth when I went with some friends to hunt frogs. The naughty part? We never asked the farmer whose pond we were visiting if we could hunt there. When we heard his dogs coming after us and saw a pair of headlights over the hill we took off, scared AND amused. To be alive!! Stepping outside of the boundaries is to stretch the limits of self definition, to celebrate life outside of the borders. It feels something like saying Yes!
I think of the barriers that I put between myself and life. Like the fences on my farm separating my land from my neighbor’s, I employ barriers. They bound the territory, enclosing or encapsulating the David I believe myself to be, unique, separate, different — from the trees and flowers, from neighbors and friends. God, Buddha, Allah or whatever you want, too, is separate, say in the Pure Land, or “up” in heaven, occupying another field, another territory that is far from me. These barriers can be deeply held beliefs that I carry around and use to explain myself and my difference to myself.
- I don’t fit in.
- I had a lousy childhood and so I am like this.
- I have to work hard for others to love me.
- I am worthy/unworthy of other’s praise.
- I am socially awkward.
- There is a better life for me if only….
Barriers/beliefs enclose the territory. But, it is like this: what separates me also binds me. With belief, I range only within my self image and definition. This is to live in exile, from self and other. Life is bigger than this. Nothing less than eternity beckons.
Knock, Knock. Who’s there?
Last Spring, some carpenter bees bore holes and fashioned homes for themselves in the wooden siding of my house. In late June the assault on my house continued when I woke to the sound of a downy woodpecker drumming as she excavated the bee holes, digging out the tender bee larvae. The constant and consistent drumming awakens me. Life pulsates, she raps and calls.
Right here, wherever “here” is for you in this moment, the universe is thrumming: Wake Up!! drums the rain on the roof. Wake Up!! drums the flower by the path. Wake Up!! drums the sadness felt at the death of a loved one. Knock. Knock. Knock. Always and in all ways she knocks, drums. Here’s your chance.
- The barn door opens and Ruby makes for the garden. Yes!
- The butterfly flies out of bounds. My father, 11 years old, is in pursuit. Yes!
- The farmer’s engine starts up and headlights approach across the field. Yikes!!!! Hahahaha! Yes!
The incessant thrum of life sounds and we find ourselves in the rhythms, awake to the seamlessness. Joining the pulsations of the moment the heart, not separate, resounds, “Yes!”
The koan is vast, encompassing and moves easily over boundaries. “Master!” There is a call. “Yes!” is a response. This practice is seamless, continuous and unending. Call, response — who calls? Who responds? As I write, the white pine trees outside the window dance in the wind. So, here is the voiceless voice, a mysterious call from I know not where. Out of the dark recesses, feels like the heart, there rising in me, equally mysterious, “Yes! Yes!”
Is this what it is to be awake?
Oh yes, one more line: Don’t be fooled by others. Others? Well, that would be me somehow co-opting awakening, creating barriers and beliefs where none are necessary. That would make me other than myself, split off from here. So, for now I appreciate finding myself in the stream, in the on-going dance of life, as the pine boughs sway, as I work with students, tend garden and keep chickens, cows and horses. It is nice to be here at the keyboard. As I write, the dog, Panda, sleeps at my feet. This feels like trust, a faith in the dark, uncertain and unknown.
Master! Yes! Just this. Call and response joined.
Sirens of the Morning
Life is always calling. Sitting this morning my heart was pierced by the call of the Mockingbird, the morning chorus soon joined — Cardinal and Jay; now the plaintive coo of the Mourning Dove sounds across the field. These Sirens of the morning call in song: “Abandon ship!,” “Forget the you you think you are!” “Surrender to the day!” The birdsong is a call to coherence, to the whole, opening right here, in the midst of it all. The natural course of things moves like the tide, ebb and flow, give and take. Life calls and my heart is broken in the beauty, in the expansiveness of this moment, too big to hold, too vast to explain. Tears come without words, breaking into sobs.
I sometimes think of such transcendent times of beauty are times worthy of self-surrender and opening into the seamless. Enlightenment proceeds from beauty into beauty. Practice has another view — it is all beauty, even this…
Once when Dongshan was washing his bowls, he saw two birds fighting over a frog, tearing it in two. A monk nearby asked, “Why does it come to this?”
Dongshan said, “It’s only for your benefit, Honored One.”
A Dark Passage
Dongshan and a monk were down by a stream washing their bowls. Two birds come flying down to where they were and at exactly the same time grab a frog sitting on a nearby rock. They tussle over the frog, and finally they fly away in different directions, ripping the frog in two. The monk, feeling the pain of life as if he were ripped in two — broken aspirations and dreams, the grief experienced in the loss of a loved one, the myriad disappointments that come in life — asks, “Why does it come to this?” This is the place in the Bible where Job finally speaks up, first to neighbors and friends, then to God, “Why?” This is any mother who has lost a beloved child, or perhaps it could be coming upon a pack of coyotes chasing down and feeding upon a deer.” “Why does it always come to this?”
As Job found as he queried his friends, there is no satisfactory answer to the “Why?” of suffering. There is no solid footing upon which to stand against life’s inevitable slings and arrows. There is only the fact, the pain of being torn asunder. And usually we leave it at that. But Dongshan takes a turn from what’s usual, “It is for your benefit,” he says. With this Dongshan darkens life’s course, the path now a “dark passage” through which life’s events are lost to explanation and knowing. There is only this naked “Why?” an expression of pain which will not find an answer nor submit to explanation. As the path darkens, the heart cracks open and yielding personal identity and preference, surrendering to “I don’t know.”
A Call to Coherence
Just as in beauty, in pain there is a call to coherence, to the whole. All of life is a gate — beauty, pain, joy and sorrow, cows, horses, enemies and friends, the whole ball of wax; and it all opens right here. In his Praise Song for Meditation, Hakuin Ekaku put it like this:
The gate opens: Cause and effect are one,
there’s no two, no three.
The formless form comes into form;
going or returning, we are in the right place.
Thinking thoughts without thought,
singing and dancing are the voice of the Way.
Not holding on to a separate self, a bulwark against everything I would rather not, I notice my life, large now, in the right place, in accord with what is here. Singing and dancing, I flow in the natural course of things, ebb and flow, give and take. It is like that, “…for your benefit.”
Retreat is a practice where we have time to be with ourselves, to notice as our hearts open to what is here. It is a time to get together with friends and attend to what is basic to our lives. It is time apart from the challenges of our everyday so that we can notice the life that is our everyday.Each retreat will begin at 9:30 and last until 4. They will be held out at my farm in Waco. We have made every effort to make the retreats accessible to all. Here is a list of retreat weekends for the rest of 2019
- June 22, Summer Solstice, Fragrant Grasses Retreat
- August 10, The Whole World is Medicine Retreat/Unitarian Universalist Church of Lexington
- November 2, The Golden Wind Retreat
We will split the cost of the retreat, food etc…. Also, you will an opportunity to give dana (donation) for the teaching. This is a tenative list with more dates and place to be added.
A few years ago, I took lessons in West African Drumming, learning songs from Ghana and other countries in the region. Learning these songs I was instructed in a rhythmic part which, when mixed with the other parts, would create polyrhythmic cross rhythms that together laid down the overall beat for the song (or something like that). Sometimes there would be words to the songs, other times not. The parts themselves had to be played very precisely so that all the parts would fit together as intended. With the improvised solos, it was another story.
With the solo there was no roadmap through the territory of the song. With the solo you were on your own to improvise as you are able within the structure laid down by the parts. With no proscribed part, the soloist is “in the dark” as to where to venture next. She feels her way through the piece.
This koan is like this. We move through our lives and our personalities develop as we grow to adulthood. We adopt routines, and get acquainted with the folkways, mores and practices of our culture. We take on a world-view and fashion a self-image that fits well within our world-view. In other words, we play our part. That is, until we are called out to solo, to risk leaving the comforts of our neatly constructed life, to respond to life as-it-is, calling us. This is to leave home, or to follow the metaphor in the koan, to go dark – to forget what it is we know about life in the lamp’s bright light and to feel our way our way along the wall, not-knowing where life will lead. This is scary. We go dark as illness comes, grief descends, and as our disappointments plague us. Or simply, sometimes, it just goes dark, the old ways no longer adequate for the twists and turns encountered along life’s way. Here, sometimes, we lose hope. But, the koan suggests something else.
I have a way to bless poverty
The poverty that is our life’s experience need not defeat us. The koan suggests blessing. There is a blessed way — just feel your way along the wall, present to what is here in the moment. The dark has a texture its own, a support that leads us into life, that will open us to each discrete and successive moment. This blessed way calls us forth, to feel our way as we experience life as it comes to us. Feeling our way along feels like a naked trust, as it can only be undertaken “in the dark,” from a place of not-knowing. Our trust is naked as we trust the uncertain and unknown, noticing and receiving the offering that the darkness brings, that is our’s in the mystery. And this by Wendell Berry:
To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.
I don’t ask you about before the 15th of the month, try to say something about after the fifteenth. Yunmen himself answered for everyone, Every day is a good day. Blue Cliff Record #6
The fifteenth of the month is the day of the full moon, signifying enlightenment. So, Yunmen’s question could be posed: I don’t ask you about before enlightenment, try to say something about after enlgihtenment.
Here is the story of Yunmen’s awakening:
Yunmen went to study with Mu Zhou. He was a difficult person and teacher. When people would come to his door, he would give them the bum’s rush — leave me alone. Yunmen came to his door, once and was not allowed to enter. Twice. The third time the teacher opened the door a crack and Yunmen jammed his foot in. He pushed the door open and jumped into the room. The teacher grabbed him, demanding, “What is it?” Rather dumbfounded he could say nothing. The 90 year old teacher threw him out. He was unable to get his leg out and Mu Zhou closed the door on his leg breaking it. Yunmen was enlightened at this. And he limped for the rest of his life.
There is a lot of pushing and shoving going on in Zen, 30 blows here, 30 blows there. One student gets his finger cut off and wakes up. A whole monastery of monks is treated to the sight of a cat getting cut in two. In that koan another student, not present when the cat was killed, is asked what he would do to save the cat. He places a sandal on his head and walks out of the room on all fours, like a cat. An enlightened response that would have saved the cat. And here in today’s koan Yunmen gets his leg broken by his cranky teacher. And gets enlightened. Later he poses this koan, “not before, what about after enlightenment?” finally answering himeself, “Every day is a good day.” The day his teacher broke his leg? A good day. The day a teacher cuts the cat in two? A good day. The day I sat in bed all day with fever? A good day. When my relationship ended? A good day. “Every day a good day. “
Yunmen is not interested in before. But we are. Who am I? is often answered by explanations and descriptions of where we have been, what we have done. I am this way because…; ever since a dog knocked me over when I was a child, I have been afraid of dogs; My father was not demonstrative, so neither am I. You know the drill…we explain ourselves by where we have been. We miss this moment as our reasons for being are mired in where we have been. We are lost to here, what is now. So, Yunmen is not interested in before, the stories that we indulge as we define ourselves. But we are.
Koans – Story Swapping
Koans are an invitation to the “here” of the moment, to our lives as they are. As we come into our lives we are healed, finding our home in the mysterious vast. Exchanging our ‘life stories” for koan story, the koan turns us around welcoming us as Buddha, as the one who comes thus, tathagata — just so. Here it is, life before story, before belief, before self. Thus.The sun rises pink on the horizon. The crows call to each other. I open the gate to let the horses in after a night in the field. This is Yunmen’s everyday. Interestingly, though, koans will take us through life as we believe it to be in order to get there.
I had a friend spending time on Yunmen’s “Everyday is a good day,” for whom each moment read as a review of all the bad days she had ever had: the dissatisfactions of her teen years, the concerns that she had about her weight, height, and shoe size; the trouble in her marriage, dissatisfaction with her job, the troubled relationships with her siblings, how her mother…and her father…. The list went on and on, as it does for all of us.
One day she was meditating and remembered the day a large dog killed her new kitten, picked it up with his teeth and shook it until it succumbed. As she sat with the memories and the images of her kitten’s savage death, tears flowed. The longer she sat the deeper the grief became – the sobbing shook her whole body, tears and snot streaming down her face. After awhile as she sat, a thought came, “it’s ok.” She asked herself, “How could it be ok?” And the thought came again, “It’s ok.” Inquire as she would for reasons, for explanations, she found none. Just so. Yet, she knew, her body knew that nothing was wrong. It was what it was. She could morn the little cat, AND she knew that deep down – the pain, the grief, the memories – all of it holds a “good day.”
Sometimes in the story switching that is koan study, the koan will take us into the life we believe in, identify in, invest ourselves in, even as it opens us to the mysterious vast, into the everyday, the good day that is here in each moment. Eternity.
So much for before, what about after? What is life like after enlightenment? Yunmen is a sly dog, calling forth prejudice and explanation, fantasies and ruminations of a life lived after “knowing what one needs to know.” This would be a pretty good question if enlightenment were about knowing or attaining a special state. Then there would be a sign post, a signifier of having arrived. Then, of course, the question arises, “what about after?”
Just the Dance
Fortunately, no one in Yunmen’s assembly has the nerve to speak up, so Yunmen makes a nod in eternity’s direction – “Everyday is a good day.” A koan-like expression once occurred to me, “When precisely does eternity begin?” This seems close to Yunmen’s “everyday is a good day.” Or Eliot’s Still Point in his poem, Burnt Norton,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.
Save a ghost.
Pacific Zen Institute, Miscellaneous Koans
A Ghost Story
The summer camp of my childhood and youth, Camp Daniel Boone rested on the Kentucky River outside of my hometown. Above the camp was a railroad bed that once held the track of the Riney-B Railroad. Every camp needs a ghost story and at Camp Daniel Boone we had, “Old Sam,” a caretaker along the route of the Riney-B. Sam walked the tracks at night making sure all was well. The story begins: It was a dark and stormy night. In the downpour the trestle over Marble Creek washed out, leaving only the dark abyss over the creek. Knowing that the midnight train was soon to pass over this section of track, Sam began to run up the track, waving his lantern, shouting, “Bridge is out! Bridge is out!” The train barreled down upon him, hit him as he and the train went crashing into the creek bed 75 feet below.
‘Now,’ we used to say, ‘along the railroad bed you can still see Old Sam at midnight waving his lantern and shouting, “Bridge is out! Bridge is out!”’
Nothing like this ever happened. The railroad went out of business in the 1930’s and the track and bridges were removed during World War II and sold for scrap metal. But, each week at Camp Daniel Boone this story was alive and true in its telling: Old Sam working to save us from careening off into dark doom.
The Ghost Saves Me
Old Sam was there to protect us from certain doom, “Bridge is out!” You could say he is a good ghost of the friendly, helpful type Though it seems to me that ghosts are almost always trying to be helpful like this: guarding the threshold between the places I know and am fine with and the places where I simply do not want to go, where I believe I will meet my doom. A ghostly, “Boo!” or a rattling of chains is just enough and I’ll be heading the other way. As I interact with these ghosts and keep away from what I fear the ghosts work to save me from something I have found to be a problem.
As I write this I know that in 15 minutes I need to make a phone call that scares me. I will be speaking with someone who is upset with me, who has opinions about a certain course of action that I have taken. Fear rises in me taking shape as a ghost. She’s huge, dressed in rags. She has a long pointy nose and floppy ears. At times her form changes and she looks like my mother. She tells me that the person I must call has the power to destroy me. “Turn around, run!” she says. “Bridge is out!” Now a bit more forceful, “Boo!” Like Old Sam her project is to save me from certain doom. The ghost works to save the me I think I am .
But really the ghost is shielding me from the person I am afraid of, the situation that scares me, the large force in my life, say anger, that unexamined just appears to be too powerful and overwhelming. Whole areas of life become off limits – sadness, sex, anger, joy, grief, happiness, other people, love, scorn, you name it, ghosts will arise for any scary place. The mansion of Life, life itself, becomes very small indeed, with most or many of the rooms supposedly haunted and off limits. The final truth though is this: I cannot know about the areas in my life where I do not go, thus the haunted places, the dwelling place of ghosts is lost to me.
The paradox of the ghost saving me: I am lost to my life, to the fullness of here.
So, this koan reverses the equation. “Save a ghost,” it calls.
Save a Ghost
To save my idea of me the ghost knows me, or at least it knows what I fear. And finally, this ghost? It is me. I made this me to protect. I made this ghost to stand guard. To save the ghost, I am invited to know it, to enter into relationship with what I fear – to feel it, to have tea with it, to begin to see with fear’s eyes, fret with fear’s frets, walk in fear’s shoes, speak with fear’s language. In a word: empathize, with fear and with myself holding on so tight, hiding from life. With empathy the heart, life itself opens. Here is the Heart Sutra as it imagines no walls in the mind, no fears, a life lived here, a heart open in empathy with what is:
bodhisattvas take refuge in Prajnaparamita
and live without walls of the mind.
Without walls of the mind and thus without fears,
they see through delusions and finally nirvana.
A Community of Ghosts
One last thing. Once Jesus went to cast out a demon and when he asked the demon its name, the demon replied: my name is Legion. Yup, demons, ghosts whatever you might call those guardians of who you think you are, they are legion. I have found in my practice that once you entertain one, they all want to be known, want to step into the light of day. Ok, that’s the practice: you save your ghosts and I will save mine. And we always have this koan, “Save a ghost.”
If you get it the first time you hear it you can teach the Buddhas and ancestors.
If you get it the second time you hear it, you can teach the gods and humans.
If you get it thethird time you hear it, you can’t even save yourself.
When did you get it?
The moon sets at midnight, I walk alone through the town.
-Book of Serenity, Case 76.
Who’s on first?
Abbott and Costello
Who’s On First?
We live in a “who’s on first?” world.” Ranking makes a difference. Every week, coaches, sportswriters and statisticians give their opinion about who is the best basketball team in the nation, they rank all the contenders, 1 to 25 plus 1. Of course, that means a great deal to me now as a resident of Kentucky where basketball is a religion. I am pleased to report that “we” are currently ranked #4 with national title possibilities. That is how it goes, who’s on first? — basketball, football, lacrosse, etc… — who is the richest person in the world? The best chef? The fastest? The smartest? The most intuitive? When I was a minister colleagues would get together and compare — how large? how many in church? Total budget? Even Zen teachers…Good God! All of us clawing our way “Straight to the Top.” This koan with its three times hearing brings me to wonder: Who’s on first? How do I measure up? Recently, I took an intelligence test. It didn’t turn out like I would have liked, you know — 140 or higher. That is how it goes — with comparison and ranking comes self-judgement and criticism.
It Hurts Being Me
Comparing and ranking is painful, it just plain hurts. As long as there is first, first runner up and don’t measure up, I am constantly placing myself on the continuum, valuing myself according to rank — ok here, not so good there, and not even close when it comes to…math. My overall score, my worth? The other day a friend commented on this saying, “I just feel inadequate.” Not a good place to dwell, always needing to prove my self as worthy. When I feel like this I can sense life and possibility shutting down, I clam up and hide away from a world where I have come to believe that I don’t count. In the koan this despair is noted: “you can’t even save yourself.” My world is only as large as my limiting belief. It hurts being me.
Upside Down – On Not Saving Yourself
You are on a Merry-Go-Round, with all this the ranking and the comparing, reaching for the brass ring, a self you imagine, one you can live with, know and love. Ah!! You get it. But the painted ponies continue their circular course, and each time around you must try again, and again, and again. Your pursuit of a self is exhausting. Reach, grab, hold, fix and maybe you will measure up. For now. But, the teacher with this koan is tricky and correct: you can’t save yourself – once, twice, three, three thousand times. Last week’s number one crashes in this week’s polls. In life as-it-is you come to learn that you can’t live to a self manufactured image of your self. Instead, leave the brass ring and feel the pony in her up and down, the wind on your face, the laughter as it rises from deep in your belly, the touch of your friend as she reaches for you from atop her pony. And if you reach for the ring, just feel the excitement of grabbing hold, “yes!” Or missing it, “Darn!” It is all right here.
Not saving the self is to be in your life in accord with what comes.
The Moon Sets At Midnight
The moon sets on your knowing, on your images and ideas of self, well known and worn and you welcome what you don’t yet know. You begin to experience the vast and seamless dark on its own terms. You walk alone, dark, and in the dark. Your walk is one of discovery. There is no separation between you and what is. You are at-one.You begin to live and move with deep appreciation of life as it unfolds. You are alone here, for at-one where is the other? Life meets you, here, in this dark town. Then the awakening — this is how it has always been, before rank, before the suffering, before a self.
Lingyun was wandering in the mountains and became lost in his walking. He rounded a bend and saw peach blossoms on the other side of the valley. This sight awakened him and he wrote this poem:
For thirty years I searched for a master swordsman.
How many times did the leaves fall
and the branches break into bud?
But from the moment I saw the peach blossoms,
I’ve had no doubts.
Centuries later the Japanese teacher Keizan responded with his own poem:
The village peach blossoms didn’t know
their own crimson
but still they freed Lingyun
from all his doubts.
Today is the first day of Spring. We are well into the lengthening of days, the air is warming and the geese are making their way north. On the first day of spring I celebrate the rising, the awakening, the movement into the new. So, why not this wonderful spring koan, — Lingyun is walking the mountains, rounds the bend and sees the peach blossoms on the other side of the valley. Awakening!
And he wrote a poem. With this poem, I feel with Lingyun.
For thirty years I searched for a master swordsman.
How many times did the leaves fall
and the branches break into bud?
I have given my life to the spiritual search. TM, John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila, Thomas Merton. I have studied with Henri Nouwen, Jerry May, Tilden Edwards, Seung Sahn, John Tarrant and other roshis and friends at the Pacific Zen Institute. Throughout my life I have known that there is another world — one where it all comes together. Like a moth to the flame, a catfish to the lantern, a early bird to the worm, I have been drawn — at times relying on ways of knowing, at other times giving up, throwing my hands up and admitting that I just don’t know. Curiously, almost without fail, when I give up this other world seems to close in.
So, for thirty years Lingyun searched. It is a joy to search and wonder, and open and question. It is a joy too to embrace frustration and despair, to quest (just as an aside, perhaps you remember Monty Python’s scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Bridge of Death). Thirty years, searching is to keep the question, sometimes consciously, sometimes outside of awareness, What is this? So, I meditate and study, I find and lose faith, believe and then live without belief. Thirty years…that sounds about right.
And All the While…
The branches break in bud.
The birds call, the hens lay, the sun rises in the east, the horses call to be let out of the barn, her smile greets me in the morning.
“There is another world, but it is in this one.” Paul Eluard, sometimes used as a koan.
There is another world and it is right here, all the time. How many times….asks Lingyun, did the leaves fall, the branches break in bud?
I have noticed over these 30 years how easy it is to live one step removed, to live in the commentary, the inner chatter. This will often come forward as I name things, that is the horse asking to be let out, the name of that song is “Into the Mysitc; Van Morrison sings it, he is Irish, but once lived in Northern California. Blah, blah, blah — one step, two steps removed — one step, two steps from my right here. Enter opinions, ideas about life. Three steps. And here I am missing it: Leaves still fall. The branches still break into bud. Life is beautiful like that: it is not what I think, and it just keeps on.
Awakening at Last!
Awakening is not something we can conceive of, we cannot think our way to it. One old teacher said, “Move towards it, you move away from it.” Ok. Well, then it is always a surprise. We don’t find it, awakening finds us. Peach blossoms find us. The Universe finds us. And we stir, foundations shake. Lingyun rounds the bend, there they are, the peach blossoms across the valley — they find him — no doubts, no opinions either — just the peach blossoms, the intimacy of awakening. Lingyun disappears in a moment of peach blossoms.
A week and a half ago a foot of wet snow fell on Panola Ridge. It was so beautiful! Early in the morning, just around sunrise, I ventured in to the yard around the house. As I stepped into the driveway a huge Craaaaack! filled the air. The sound found me and there was, for a moment, just a crack. Soon, the thoughts rushed in. A large branch over the house, it can fall and crush the house, better do something. But, in the moment of Craaaaack! no doubts.
For me this is a opening into the spiritual life. The peach blossoms, the craaaack, the redwood tree, me, all woven together, an inter penetrating reality. And indeed the foundations I thought I had are shaken, there is just this, here, here and here. Now. Lingyun and David P are brothers without doubt. Interconnected or whatever. But what now? I see hints in the later verse on Lingyun’s experience:
The village peach blossom didn’t know
their own crimson
but still they freed Lingyun
from all his doubts.
As I move into the world, what is it to be David and not know and STILL play my part in the universal dance. Without comment or opinion or idea, without right or wrong, what is it to blossom and bloom, the open and show in the sun? To do my part and respond as life unfolds? What is the character of emptiness as David lives in the world? The 30 years becomes 40; 40 becomes 50, what is it for David to be free? Here, here and here. Now.
Koan: The teacher asked, “How do you step from the top of the hundred foot pole?”
This Life is For You
This life is for you; you in the midst, life continuously as-it-is. The flowers, the trees, the chickens in the yard, the cows in the field, the smile on your co-worker as he greets you, the “Good Mornings,” and the “How are yous?” Someone holds the door for you as you walk into the room and there is that person with whom you argued yesterday. After work you make a trip to the doctor to hear that your blood pressure is too high and that trimming a few pounds might help. You remember your father who died young — sudden heart attack, a “widow maker” the doctor called it. Your dog welcomes you home when you remember that you forgot-a common occurrence -what is it this time?- nothing here to eat – to stop at the store on the way home. Ugh, and you would rather not go out again. This is life and your life is for you — the utter chaos, the whole mess, the ecstasy and the agony, the heaven and hell. This life is for you. You live it, day to day, ups and downs, groups of people, the animals that keep you company. You are disappointed, elated, held accountable, reckless – last year you fell in love. There is a vastness to life, it is always changing, and as you awaken you discover that while nothing is holy, life, as-it-is, with all of this, is beautiful. Sometimes it makes you cry.
Beautiful, Find Me a Place to Hide!
That’s what it is to see into the heart of things, everything is as-it-is and as-it-is, is just so and you are in it all, steeped and at-one. Zhaozhou, put it like this, “It’s alive, it’s alive!” Right there. That is all. This is to awaken, to see into your essential nature, your Buddha nature, the Kingdom of God, whatever you might want to call it. What can one do with such a thing? One could do what the early Christian pillar-saints, the Stylites did — stay there, try to hold onto the experience, make something out of it, declare it meaningful and grand, holy, the utmost and the highest. After all, that is a pretty good place to hide. Hide? Or perhaps there is a more excellent way. But first, Hide!
The Agony of the Ecstasy
Yes, the beauty, the vastness, the change, all of it can be scary and overwhelming. Our experience of life in the ecstasy (derived from the old French lestaise”in a frenzy or stupor, fearful, excited.”) and the agony (old French as well, “contest”) stops us. As we awaken to the beauty we also discover that all this, the whole shebang, the frenzy and the contest, is beyond our control. So whichever metaphor you might use for a hiding place —atop a pole, head in the sand, pillar, behind the walls of a fortress, enclosed within the house, whatever, awakening, as we take it and shape it to our delusions of mastery and control, becomes a sort of agoraphobia, a fear of getting out. We can’t control it on the outside so we will make an inside where we can. We want to stay atop the pole, the pillar, build a house, exchanging what we don’t know for what we do. The teacher’s challenge, “Take a step,” out of the house, off the top of the pole, from what you know into what you don’t, life as-it-is.
The Ecstasy of the Agony – Can I Get a Witness?
Life in its ecstasy and in its misery is agonizing, a contest. In other words, life comes forward to meet you, calls. This is Guan Yin in all her guises – love, hate, kindness, sadness, anger, grief, and on and on. Life’s call beckons response, a step off the pole. The teacher, echoing life itself, asks, “how do you step from the top of the hundred foot pole?” So through this piece I have been playing the etymology game, a sort of archeological dig into the language. Let’s step that up a bit: the word contest derives from the Latin, com- “together” + testari “to bear witness,” to together bear witness — the life in me and the life outside me gives way to the discovery that life is one, with no inside or outside. This One Life bears witness to the great love in all. From together witness to together action — this is the Bodhisattva Way. Life responds to life and we live our awakening in the midst of it all.